The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
