the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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