Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
