i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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