I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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