If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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