Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
