I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
