it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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