My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
