Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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