All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
