Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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