I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize