Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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