so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize