Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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