I am spending my child support on dildos
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
