Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
