Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize