i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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