I met the friendliest cop last night
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize