Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
