What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
