I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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