mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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