Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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