is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
