Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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