K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
