someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
