Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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