i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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