i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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