he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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