You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Floor bacon is actually really good
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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