So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
