what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
