OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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