You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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