Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
soo... how was my night?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
