the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
And then he peed in my hair
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