Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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