I will die if light touches me.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
