you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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