Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Dear god my vagina.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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