why didn't you poke me back
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
