So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I want a musical about memes.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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