i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
