Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
