How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
