The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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