he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
