My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
