I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Sober January is a disaster.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize